So im really pissed of right now. As i thought i know i will never get to tidur muara tadi so AKU STRESS! Pasal IA jua tu!! BANCI BANAR KU EHHH! Okay i'll stop mentalling because no use jua. Currently now im just doing nothing just searching something to watch on youtube sampai mata ani close. And oh how love sick i am, lately i've been singing and listening to some deep love songs. I just cant fight it you know, im in love so what? I know aku ke jiwa, emotional lah apa lah like i said so what? Namanya jua urang in love. Not just that, lately i've been watching some movies which have something to do with love. SHOOT! Im officially love sick! And i dont mind cuz all i think about is you babe ( : Awu i promise i'll recharge later, as soon as i woke up from sleep ( : Okay before i end this post let me bejiwang sekejap : D Memandang wajah mu cerah membuat ku tersenyum senang indah dunia..Tentu saja kita pernah mengalami perbedaan kita lalui..Tapi aku merasa jatuh terlalu dalam cintamu..Ku tak akan berubah ku tak ingin kau pergi selamanya..Ku kan setia menjaga mu bersama diri mu..Sampai nanti akan selalu bersama diri mu..Saat bersama mu kasih ku merasa bahagia dalam peluk mu..Tapi aku merasa jatuh terlalu dalam cintamu..Ku tak akan berubah ku tak ingin kau pergi selamanya..Seperti yang kau kata kan kau akan selalu ada, menjaga memeluk diriku dengan cinta mu.. Okay im off to watch some movies hingga tertidur, assalamualaikum!



I just felt blogging so here it goes. Im not feeling well as usual. Sleepy saja but this eyes just wont let me sleep, sudah di bawa tidur inda mau tapi ngantuk-ngantuk ya. No mood kan apa-apa, i still dont have the mood to recharge my credit macam pidah i buy credit inda jua mengisi. I dont know i felt really entah ah, hard to explain. Hope tomorrow sleepover at muara cuz i cant stand di rumah! Mudahan tah tidur muara esuk eh, mun inda alamat menjadi lagi ni stress ah! Oh ya im not mad at you babe well maybe sikit, i told you sudah wah dont call rumah kan ani lakat jua inda merati eh. How many times sudah di bagitau lakat jua. You know i really dislike you if you didnt follow my orders, just like you bah mana suka kan if i didnt follow your cakap? Same lah jua like aling eh. Alright suddenly im speechless its bedtime now. Apparently im sleeping early today, hope i can sleep. Goodnight !

BETAPA REMUK JANTUNGKU KAU TIPU AKU. BETAPA SAKIT HATI KU KAU BUANG AKU. KU TATAP LANGIT YANG HITAM SAAT MENANTI MALAM KAU PUN TAK KUNJUNG DATANG. KAU BUAT GELAP PELANGI LALU KAU DATANG LAGI MEMBUAT LUKA INI.KAU JANGAN MENCOBA UNTUK DI SINI, KAU JANGAN COBA UNTUK KEMBALI. BILA KAU DISINI BIAR AKU YANG PERGI. KAU TELAH INGKARI SEMUA JANJI MU, KAU TELAH INGKARI SEMUA SUMPAH MU DAN SUDAH USAI SUDAH CERITA TENTANG KITA. I dont feel right. I felt something is wrong. My heart says im not gonna be okay. I felt my heart is gonna break again. What is this feeling? What am i suppose to do? All i wanna know is the truth, honesty is really important to me. Is it true what i think on my mind? Am i insane or just worried? I definitely dont like this kinda feeling cuz its driving me crazy! Its hard to let go and hard to forget. How will i erase all those memories, im falling too deep. Its hard to stay and its also hard to walkaway. I dont know what else to say, all i know i dont feel right. I dont feel much complete. AJHS, if you really did LIE to me TELL ME THE TRUTH. I love you as always but do you? Im not feeling right babe, selalu nya mun rasa ani cemani i know you ada hide something from me. You know all i had now is you, dont you go break my heart just like everybody else. All i want to know is the TRUTH. Im yours isnt that enough? Im not trying to pick a fight here but this is how i am feeling right now ) : Tell me honestly and everything will be okay, i think. Love you and theres no one else but you here in my heart.Unfortunately today is not my good day. I just bought credit but i dont feel like charging it, i dont eat much, i didnt have my mood to work out my face, i keep wondering stupid things, headache as usual make me moody, my back and chest really hurt which i dont know why, i felt sleepy but my eyes just wont let me sleep and blablabla. im off to bed.

I am so stress, so kusut and ergh my head hurts like HELL! And i felt very sleepy today sudah di bawa tidur sekajap ganya tidur nya, tidur bangun tidur bangun wah inda jua ku aman tu s : Banyak wah dalam pikiran ani thats why tidur pun inda aman. Babe lagi keep asking me to be jujur, sudah wah tu aling jujur apa kan lagi? SELUAR BAH TU SELUAR. Mikin ku kusut s : And ergh! How i wish i can ranaway from this place which " they called home ". I dont feel like home, infact i dont feel apart from this family. I hate seeing mom and " ia " happy, macam nadapapa wah yang terjadi. And from there i know mom rather choose " ia " dari kami. Aku pulang mental lakat wah mom pulang macam nada! Inda ku sangka mama masih dapat pecaya ia infact bagi ia peluang lagi, mama pun satu cakap saja macam banar tapi nah apa ni lakat jua. Im sick sudah eh kana bual-buali ani. Just see what happen lagi nanti. I dont even know aku buleh tahan sampai bila ni, its hard for me to move forward I felt useless.No one seems to get what i want. I want to go faraway where no one cant find me )": I know every problem ada solution nya ada exit nya but my problems? I dont think i can find the way out. Im falling into pieces. Everyday i have to fake a smile, everyday i have to act okay and im sick of it. I feel like killing myself saja wah ) : No use if i keep living cemani, daripada sakit-sakittan saja tantu mati tarus. I have nothing more to say. Just..... I miss my baby, i always wonder apa ia buat when im not around. I hope my faithfulness is worth it. I wish he can feel what i felt. Each and everyday my love for you never stops. This heart beats for you and im still standing here because of you. AJHS

♥

♥

Today went... entah ah i cant explain. Just like usual, boring and phathetic day. And yes as always my head bothers me ALOT! My relationship is not going well. I just cant deal with my madness. Im not the type yang cool cematu saja. It can take days or probably weeks okay nya atupun ikut my mood. But how bad sekalipun my relationship is going he was always here in my heart and mind. Get well soon babe ( : Yes im smiling but doesnt mean im okay and stop being mad at you, im still damly incredibly mad at you!! SO MAD! I cant lie, i am incredibly worrying about you here S : Im missing you badly. Unlike you, YOU DONT CARE AT ALL. Thats the difference between me and you, you dont care sekali pun but unlike me i care too much even if you dont care. KAN? Lately i felt we didnt get along with each other very well. I dont know what else to do, is like.... huh malas kan cakap. Maybe im not that fully heal, thats why. Bukan lagi maybe andang belum heal jua, the past haunt me good! ERGH, i just cant get rid and forget about the past from this head! Entah lapas ani apa lah lagi kan jadi, like i said problems just cant get enough of me. And its so true, i keep having problems. STRESS ALL THE WAY DOESNT MAKE ME HAPPY! Okay i think thats it for today, its bedtime now.



Today was....hm...I dont know, good? NOT. I didnt took my bath today, like what the heck?! And ya im still pissed off arah JB!! And still ia mana paham, kan babe? You still inda paham!! Ani im the one to blame pulang padahal its your fault! Fault diri ani selalu realised tapi tebuat fault sendiri INDA AHHH! You always said that you'll never dissapoint me but mana cakap atu MANA? You talk-talk saja but no action, i hate that. Im sick wah of you saying and hearing that you love me lah apa lah but to me langsung wah nada meaning nya from you, macam cakap saja wah. Okay, yes im ego and yes im pemarah and yes im penjealous then? You want me to change semua atu? I tell you what, if i changed ertinya im not me wah. And satu lagi am i the only one yang ego ani? Babe inda? I know you'll probably read this and here i'll express everything to you since melalui message payah and time bejumpa pun we never get to talk about this to eachother, now im taking my every chances to let you know everything. Okay maybe yes i dont rarely understand you tapi babe i followed every word you said but you? Payah sangat ah kan ikut cakap diri ani tapi tebuat diri atu MESTI TU MESTI. Apa nada langsung ertinya diri ani batah sama diri atu? AH NADA? Apa kesalahan-kesalahan yang tani buat dulu atu bukan satu pelajaran kah? Mikin kan di buat pulang? Diri ani marah and inda marah sama saja ceritanya INDA KANA PEDULI! Langsung wah nada commitment and chemistry atu wah. Although you made me incredibly mad but still my heart and head theres only you wah and damnly im missing you like crazy! Tapi you? Dui, NADAPAPA! To me you never learned from your mistakes and your sweet words atu cuma cakap saja nada meaning nya. But still i love you and still sampai bila-bila pun usulnya you'll never understand. off, bedtime.


Today was so not great. Im not having a nice day! My head is killing me! PANING KU BAH PANING! Dibawa makan lakat jua paning, banci jua ku ehhh cemani ani!! This paning lain daripada selalunya, i dont know why. I almost gugur tadi time buat chores! I felt like want to cucuk saja my head ani, banci ku banci. And as always im not happy and so mad at siapa lagi mun paham bisai! Yatah membagi nya inda kan mau merecharge wah line atu! Di recharge sama jua ceritanya macam inda berecharge! Antamtah ehhh!! Kan inda mau marah-marah atu payah sakit bah hati ah, kan pura-pura inda marah inda ku pandai and if aku pura-pura marah inda tia karang tau apa yang ku banci and apa yang ku suka. Biar lah eh thats just me penyamal, pemarah, pengusut and if you cant deal with that you know what to do kan? Malas kan cakap. And always remember this I HATE PENIPU! And apada cakap saja tapi no action? Buang masa eh. I dont need no cakap kusung, proove it wah. Okay im out of mood!



Hello there earthlings! Well apparently i have nothing much to share here but only stomache problems which i dont know why ia bolah ani. Its kinda weird sakit nya makan and inda makan sama jua kejadian nya so ya i dont know what happen to this stomache of mine. And apparently someone doesnt care so much about it, as always! Whatever, may he have a sweetdreams and thanks for leaving me left out alone with this pain. I can say, youre not really giving me that much of attention i always felt left out and ofcourse thats made me upsad. I thought you know me well but apparently you dont and thats made me more upsad. Whatever im not trying to kusut-kusut here but i just felt like letting it all out here well since you dont like me being kusut saja at you! am i right? but still, i love you and always do! Hmm..well the reason im still awake by now is....because of my itchy mata! Mau-mau tah jua kan bolah mata ah, its been a week now ia bolah i dont know why too. All i know is this stomache and eyes are driving me insane! And seriously babe, i need more attention from you! Because youre driving me insane too! Youre not doing your work as my man, you know i really hate to be left out! Huh okay im done, try to sleep now. Until then, goodDawn!





Due to my sleepyness..... This is what i did.... See how hurt i am and how sad i am right nowww.......................... I felt like SCREAMINGGGG!! All i can think about is i wanna screammm !!! Some said that they understands me... But are you sure you do? Because i felt really uncare and unwanted. Well nampaknya now nada urang perlu aku lagi dalam hidup ani. Nada urang guna aku. Aku ani sampah di mata urang. Siapa jua guna sampah macam aku ani, kan? I know maybe aku inda layak kana sayangi, kana gunai or whatsoever tapi perlu urang tau aku ani beperasan jua bukan patung ni anu karau saja memanjang anu kana buat main anu inda bepersaan! pendek kata aku ani manusia jua bahhh!! Sudah lah if aku ani nyusah kan or inda sayang aku kah apa kah please ah cakap straight to my face. STRAIGHT TO MY FACE, CAKAP TERUSTERANG WAHHHH! Kesian ah aku ani care kan urang but urang inda jua care langsung kan aku. Sayang kan urang tapi urang nada langsung sayang kan aku. Aku ani cuma tempat urang membuang segala-galanya! I know aku sound buduh but thats how i felt now, nada langsung urang ingau and paham. No words can describe macam mana sakit nya hati ku ani BANAAARTTAHH. Ku tahan, tahan sampai binasa jua diri ani olehku. I dont expect langsung my life will be like this. Atukan dulu happy nada langsung kan ku pikirkan, banar jua nya urang dulu lain sekarang lain. Tapi lain-lain nya lakat jua ada samanya pebaik sikit kan? Aku tau dapan-dapan macam banar ku ketawa lah apa lah but i have to fake all that so nada urang tahu apa sebenarnya masalah ku, if pun urang tau like urang care jua. Lagipun no one sudi mendangar jua and menshare jua apa yang ku lalui ani. Im sick of this word " SABAR ", cuba sampai bila lagi ni ku kan BESABAR ani? Sampai mati? Banar ih sabar ada lah saparuh daripada iman, awu jadinya tani besabar ani nada batas? Nyamu banyak kali dah pakah ku besabar ani, kan mentel pun inda! Suka ku EH selama 18 tahun labih ku hidup ani ku dapat ah.. WOW happy ku ih bahagia ku hidup sembarana cemani AHHH! Aku tau lah aku ani priceless worthless inda beharga nah ku bagi dua-dua bahasa, tapi lakat jua aku beperasaan! Macam malar ku sudah kan ku cakap aku ani bepersaaan tapi macam nada yang paham. Subuh pagi siang patang malam tiap hari tiap masa ku nahan kesakitan kan mati gilabae ani waahhh! SAKIT KU WAH SAKITTT! PAHAM KAH? Daripada sakiti pelahan-lahan tantu pulang bunuh tarus tu eh tantu puas hati!!Inda payahtah ku gilabae kan sabar and menahan sakit ani. Mun sekadar kan nyaman kan hati ani INDA PAYAH TAH EHHH. Mun inda ikhlas atu pun INDA PAYAH TAH EHHH. To PENIPU-PENIPU SEKALIAN muhun ah adangtah kan menipu saja ani PANTANG KU TU PALINGGGG KU BANCI TU! Mun diri kana tipu apaa rasanya? Oren? Milo? Vico? Horlick? Nescafe? AHHH? Apa rasanya EHH? Aweh mustahil sorang manusia inda pernah menipu atu mendusta jua tu ah tapi inda payah dih kan disengajakan menipu banyak kali atu! Awu aku kurang ajar tapi perlu tahu ah aku inda akan kurang ajar mun urang inda kurang ajar arah ku. Aku marah, Aku kurang ajar, Aku happy, Aku sedih ada bah sebabnya. Semua perbuatan ada sebabnya wah tapi munasabah sikit lah jangan talur ani jua ah. Sayang banar ku kan diri ku ani sayang jua ku kan urang-urang sekelilingi ku sayang jua kan hidup ku ani tapi rasanya inda ku mau batah bah kan hidup ani. Rasanya inda snaggup ku kan tahan and jalani semua ani. Awu aku utak buntu buduh kan aku ah, yang merasa aku wahhh. Selama 18 tahun labih and 4tahun labih ku hidup sama kamu inda cukup kah kan paham aku atu? AHHH? Kamu tahu menagur aku membagi aku advice tapi banarnya paham kamu kah apa yang ku rasa ani? Inda payah cakap paham mun inda paham atu, inda ku perlu tu. Okay aku ambil semua apa yang kamu buat arah ku, satu ku pinta pijak ni kepala ku ah baru puas. KAN PACAH PUN INDA NI UTAK ANI! DI SINI TAH SAJA TEMPAT KU MELAPAS KAN MELUAH KAN SEGALA-GALANYA! KAN MENANGIS AIR MATA DARAH SEKALIPUN INDA PIDAH TAPI LAKAT JUA KU MENANGIS, INDA BUDUH DARIMANA KAN AKU ANI!! Huh cukup sampai sini ku melapas kan dulu.

- AKU MANUSIA BODOH -
- AKU MANUSIA YANG TIDAK PUNYA APA-APA -
- AKU MANUSIA YANG HIDUP NYA MENDERITA -

Huh okay first of all, im not in the right mood masa ani. I felt want to sumpah-sumpah saja sampai esok pagi! My day went well tadi especially time shopping tadi but then the well became unwell. Huh i dont know why after balik tadi tarus-tarus kusut, marah-marah sampai barang sekadar pun buleh sampai tangan olehnya ) : Something just bothers me wah and seems like nobody understand wah even JB ) : I felt sorry to myself, because hidup inda menantu always di hantui dengan masalah and masa lalu. Im really mental and emotional time ani. I felt like crying but i know inda guna kaan nangis, so i had to tahan saja eventhough how much it hurts. MY LIFE SUCKS! Im not good in being a good grandaughter, good daughter, good sister, good cousin, good friend and a good girlfriend and maybe i will not be good in being a good wife and a good mother nanti . Im not good at anything!! Im stuck and fully living with problems which making me insane! I can feel my weakness already. How i wish to cut myself right nowww!!! I bet theres no cure for this pain ) : When will i be heal? When will i be the person that i want to be? This life is temporary, when will i be doing the good deeds? I need to answer these question myself but the problem is when will i be answering those questions if all i did was letting myself down, letting everyone down, letting myself suffer pain ) : I just cant do anything at all to save my own lives, how pity i am. Im useless, worthless, harmless and brainless. KILL ME.



Before I start posting about my nightmare lastnight let me post about the previous day i been through...Last two days I went to Bukit Tempayan pisang which kana panggil jua " pulau ". I went there around 9+ with my aunty, uncle, parents and two of my sibs. It was my first time to pijak the tanah there malam-malam, people said that tempat atu berisi and i also heard theres some kubur lama. Okay i skip that, so ya we went there menunggu durian gugur. I can say i had fun menunngu macam si paloi!! And palingtah i hate the most is the ANNOYING MOSQUITOS! And ada lagi yang paling palinggggg ANOOYINGGGGGG! I got bite by this freaking semut pedas! Gosh!! Sampai ani belum baik nya my toes! Oh ya ontheway home to muara i was recording saja-saja bah then when i ngam-ngam stop, i turn left i saw a white figure! Im not lying here people, i did really saw a white figure macam pakai jubah putih jua and kinda pakai tupi aji. It was standing in the middle of the tanah lapang, atas kerana kurang puas hati i force myself to liat lagi the second time then there you go NADAPAPA! First i was thinking its just my stupid imagination but then when i heard that " there dad " nampak jua the white figure im sure what i saw time atu! JG also told me about the time at the hutan she saw someone holding my left shoulder! I was hell freaking out! That night its hard for me to sleep.Rupanya im not the only one yang payah kan tidur, broHM ia jua. But since then majal jua ku kan kesana, if i get to go there lagi this time i planned to record everytime i went there.

Okay about lastnight.. First, its kinda fun arah pakngah kelmarin. Panuh jua parut ani : D But i was moody a little cuz of JB even until now im still pissed off! Okay skip that. So here it goes... I have a weird dream lastnight... There was me and snakes! ) : There this yellow white snake it was trying to strangle me! And there this one unknown guy, he said he knew me but the fact i dont know him langsung!! THE SNAKES SCARES ME LIKE HELL!! When i woke up i can feel my body silahau like sangal ada jua. You know its weird i had this thing that always happened in my dream. When someone or something attacking or hurting me when i try to fight back i'll be freeze like something is trying to stop me and then i woke up i can feel my hands and legs sakit berabis ) : Im not sure what im going through actually but im sure it disturbs my everyday life BANAARTAAHH! Cubatah siapakan tahan everyday dapat mimpi ganjil. Malas bah kan ngadu arah urang they will say cemani " mimpi saja tu ", " yatah tu inda basuh kaki inda baca doa sebelum tidur! " and some diam saja bila ku ngadu. URGGHH! YATAH BARI MALAS KAN NGADU BIAR TIA DIRI ANI MENYIMPAN SENDIRI TANTU.

- out -